6/19/16 – Texas

Course: Topgolf Dallas
Location: 8787 Park Ln, Dallas, TX 75231
Price: $8.75 for 18 holes.

TopGolf Dallas

You would  imagine a place named “Topgolf” to take its golf game seriously. But oh boy, does Topgolf Dallas, the headquarters for the multinational sports conglomerate, go above and beyond. With an 18-hole golf course, a 2-story driving range, and microchips implanted into the golf balls themselves (to track how far they travel), Topgolf is the athletic equivalent of that company that created RoboCop*; Topgolf is the spaceship from Wall·E**; if Topgolf built the Terminator, all people would be saying would be “wow, that robot that just killed Sarah Connor was super efficient. She didn’t stand a chance.”

And, in this context, Topgolf’s mini golf range was equally absurd. Their three 18-hole courses spanned the surface of a small mountain – I’ve seen East Coast ski resorts with smaller slopes (and with less snow, East Coast ski resorts are terrible). Moreover, like Oklahoma’s HeyDay Entertainment, Topgolf merged a party aesthetic with the course’s calming, pure simplicity. Patrons could purchase “buckets of beer” for their “tight 54” on the mini-links. However, the central focus of the course, of course, was the golf – the purity, the sublime beauty of an unyielding game that turns boys into men (and vice versa). Forget Iggy Azalea, the course was simply underscored by a chorus of waterfalls and polite streams. And if you were worried about the harsh Texas heat, well you can suck an egg because Topgolf’s got you covered – the course’s many trees and caves provided a natural shelter from the harsh elements. Plus they had a statue of a shark in their lake, which was pretty cool. I was all like, “woah, is that a real shark?” and then I was like, “nope, it’s just a statue. They tricked me.” In short, if you’re looking for a location that highlights the splendor of the sport, while still providing the giddy joy of miniaturization, Topgolf Dallas comes with my highest recommendation. This place is the golfer’s equivalent of Thoreau’s Walden (but without all the boring poetry).

*Omni Consumer Products
** The Buy ‘n’ Large Axiom.

The sublimity of nature.

Fountains within waterfalls.

Selfie!

Course Score: 46; Par – 54.
Pros: Beautiful, expansive course. Complicated holes. Provided shade from the sun.
Cons: Some water damage to the course, but given the sheer size of the location and the absurd amount of water the course had in the middle of the Texas desert, that’s probably to be expected.