6/27/16 – Kentucky

Course: Lexington Ice Center & Sports Complex
Location: 560 Eureka Springs Dr, Lexington, KY 40517
Price: $6.95 for 18 holes; $8.95 for 36 holes; $9.95 for unlimited holes.

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Lexington Ice Center

Review: Up until now, this review guide has been a strictly areligious text, and for that I deeply apologize. The hedonistic high-stakes world of professional mini golf reviewing rarely intersects with the word of our one true Lord and Savior (and I’m not talking about Vishnu). Fortunately, for all you church fans out there who can’t wait until next Sunday to get in another session of good old-fashioned all-American prayin’, Lexington Ice Center’s got you covered. Located only a few minutes from Keeneland’s famous horse racing tracks, Lexington Ice Center has the largest religious themed mini golf course in the nation. Featuring 54 unique biblical-themed holes, and overlooked by a large wooden cross, this course (like the forthcoming rapture) will finally separate the sinners from the sin-nots.

The first 18 holes, retelling the Old Testament (the way it was always meant to be told) feature mini golf depictions of all your favorite biblical classics. Holes like “Noah’s Ark,” or “Jonah and the Whale” will bruise every piety bone in your body and give you a stitch in your side from all that genuflection. But if you’re tired of the same old bible stories, if you’re a real bible fan who got into the good book before it went mainstream, don’t worry because Lexington Ice Center’s other two courses (“New Testament” and “Miracles”) feature all those holy deep cuts that everyone else’s church has probably never even heard of – doing a bit of indulgent fanservice for the true sons and daughters of Christ, hole 8 on “New Testament” recreates that classic, unforgettable passage from Acts 17:24-25

“The God who made the world
and everything in it
is the Lord of Heaven and Earth
and does not live in temples made by hands

Complete with handy placards citing the relevant biblical quotes, this course is more enthralling and informative than the Wikipedia entry on unusually shaped vegetables. Unfortunately, this course did have a few shortcomings. Most pressingly, it skipped over the most exciting and compelling elements of the bible (the betrayal of Judas, Christ’s crucifixion, the harrowing of Hell, etc.) in favor of inoffensiveness. Look. If you’re doing a bible themed course, you’ve got to commit 100 percent. Just once (and only once), I want to play a hole that goes past a pillar of salt on its way to the wreckage of Sodom, warning me that while mini golf is fun, it is no replacement for the teachings of my elders. Also, some elements of the course were worn down and simplistic, and the religious depictions were sometimes tenuous (the hole, “in the beginning there was light,” was just painted black on one side, and white on the other).  But, overall, Lexington Ice Center was a charming way to spend the afternoon, and an interesting representation of central Kentucky’s religious community.

Course Score: Old Testament – 48, Par – 40; New Testament – 51, Par – 41.
Pros: Unique theme and strong commitment to the aesthetic; informative; pious.
Cons: Very simplistic holes; the biblical theme was oftentimes a representation not an outright depiction; some of the holes were a little worn out; some of the biblical placards were water damaged.

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