7/11/16 – Maryland

Course: Old Pro Golf @ 68th Street
Location: 6801 Coastal Highway, Ocean City MD
Price: $9.50 for 18 holes; $14.50 for unlimited play.

Dino color

Old Pro Golf (exterior)

Review: Ah. Maryland. A merry land of crabcakes, lighthouses, luxury yachts, fireflies, and tanned men who own all the luxury yachts (wearing their flowing transparent robes and seducing our women while we’re busy stuffing our greedy mouths full of delicious, succulent crab meat as if we were the only crab-lovers at an all-you-can-eat crab buffet at the Olive Garden)*. And what better place to enjoy the Maryland seaside, than by going to a place literally named after the ocean? No, I’m not talking about Oceanegalopolis.** I’m talking about sunny Ocean City, located only a few hours away from Baltimore. And, without a doubt, the uncontested mini golf king of Ocean City was Old Pro Golf. Operating since 1965, this family owned dynasty has four locations in Ocean City alone. To put that number in perspective, Ocean City only has one measly fire department – Old Pro Golf has four times as many locations in the same city! Talk about [Old] “pro”-fessional [Golf]!

As the mini golf king of the land, Old Pro Golf definitely gave its subjects a lordly treatment (and I’m not talking about primae noctis!). This place was phenomenal. Driving directly from sunny Washington D.C., I quickly made my way to Old Pro Golf’s highest rated location at 68th street and tithed a $9.50 entrance fee for rights to putt on the king’s miniature domain. Now, by this point in the review, given the large amount of olde English metaphorical language I’ve been using, I’m sure many readers assume that Old Pro Golf’s course had a medieval theme. Well, those readers can suck on a raw egg until it hatches, because the 68th street location had two courses: an indoor and an outdoor course themed around the ocean and prehistoric dinosaurs respectively. And, as I said earlier, they were both phenomenal.

In particular, the indoor “Undersea Adventure” course was practically flawless – featuring submarines, pirate ships, hidden grottos, complex holes, a plastic aquarium filled with marine animals, a real aquarium filled with marine animals, moving obstacles, and water features, I was hard-pressed to find any flaws whatsoever. When I saw a giant purple octopus perched precariously upon the pirate ship, I smiled wryly and let out a light chuckle of appreciation as I stroked my beard pensively/seductively (one of the mothers on the course quietly moved her child away from me); when an eel statue pivoted out of a grotto, temporarily blocking my shot, I gasped in astonishment and delight, stroking my beard all the more vigorously (the same mother was there and we shared a glance of mutual hatred tinged with just the slightest hint of respect). Could Old Pro Golf’s indoor course have been improved? Maybe. But, writing this review right now, I’m not sure how.

Admittedly, the venue’s outdoor “Prehistoric Dinosaur” course had a few design flaws, but even those were negligible. The outdoor 18-holes were, for the most part, impeccable – featuring giant dinosaur statues at every turn, a massive volcano, rotating cavemen statues,*** complex holes, and impressive water features. Sure, there were a few scuffs in the grass, and sure, the paint was chipping off of some of the sculptures. But it was still very impressive. I cannot speak for their other three locations, but as a course, Old Pro Golf’s 68th street venue gets my highest recommendation. The place was, as I’ve said multiple times now, phenomenal.

* I’m not gonna lie to you… this is going to be one of those “weird” reviews. It got pretty cold last night while I was sleeping in my car. I’m really tired.
**“The megalopolis of the ocean” ©
*** Yeah, I know that cavemen wouldn’t hang out with dinosaurs. Historically it doesn’t make any sense – when Pangea split, all the dinosaurs were stranded on their own island and the humans were stuck on a different island. I guess Old Pro Golf’s cavemen must have had boats or something, but it seems like an awfully long distance to row…

Course Score: 47; Par – 52
Pros: Wonderful aesthetic; fantastic adherence to themes; high production value; practically flawless on most metrics; it even had a ball cleaning station, which is perfectly pointless for a mini golf course.
Cons: A little crowded (but that can’t even be that much of a complaint); some mediocre upkeep on the outdoor course.

 

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