Course: Pier 25 Mini Golf
Location: 225 West St, New York, NY 10013
Price: $6 for 18 holes (cash only)
Review: Wow. I’ve been to New York City before, but I always forget how big and crowded it really is. It’s just filled with so many people: bankers, artists, retailers, actors*, taxi drivers, Neil Patrick Harris, and even sous chefs crammed together into a hot, cramped city – everyone’s in a rush to get somewhere; no one wants to remember where they’ve been or what they’ve seen. One day soon, something will simultaneously, irrevocably snap in the minds of those who live in this sweltering, crowded city and its inhabitants will fight to the death while we watch helplessly from the sidelines, horrified but placated because our ever-present bloodlust has temporarily been slaked. And finally, after months of fighting, only one victor will remain in the empty, bloodstained city: the king (no… the God) of the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. My money’s on the sous chef!****
But enough rambling. I know why you’re here. For some mother effing mini golf. And sure, I could have skipped the Big Apple and instead reviewed a course from upstate New York, but if you’re trying to find the most popular course in the state, you’ve gotta take a bite of that big apple and plant yourself an orchard. I’m not sure if that allegory made sense (or if it even was an allegory), but regardless. I had to go to New York City – the heart of America. And, by far and away, the most popular, highest reviewed course in downtown New York was Pier 25 Mini Golf, located in Hell’s Kitchen***** right on the waterfront.
Was Pier 25 a great course? I don’t know. It had a lot of great elements not normally associated with all the elite, luxury, high profile mini golf courses I’ve visited on this trip. Surprisingly it was one of the cheapest (if not the cheapest) course I’ve visited, which was surprising given its proximity to downtown Manhattan (where real estate costs over 1,500 dollars per square foot, which is insane******). It was also one of the most popular, highly attended courses I’ve been to on my journey – I was stuck for over an hour behind a particularly obnoxious couple who kept making out on the course after they sunk every single damn hole, oblivious to the fact that I was right behind them waiting for my turn to putt.*******
That being said, it was a pretty simplistic, low upkeep course. Sure, there was a neat cave, a small waterfall, and several more complex holes in the back nine (after you’ve forgotten the flat barren green plains of the first half), but that was far outweighed by the divots and dirt on the worn down course, and the shoddy repairs made with green duct tape throughout. Moreover, several of the water features were nonoperational which, like the presidency of William Henry Harrison, felt like a bit of a let down. But, all in all, if you’re in downtown Manhattan and have an hour to kill – you will never get a better view of the city. Decent course… fantastic location.
* It’s so great that every single actor in New York performing on Broadway! The theaters must be huge to fit that many talented players: thespians (and thespiennes) who have finally all gotten the validation they desperately crave, and will never again need someone to say “I want to pay 50 dollars to see you say words. You’re good at saying words. And also you made a smart decision taking out all those student loans to go to drama school so that you could get a degree in mask-work.”**
** That last footnote just reaffirms the age-old adage that “those who can’t act, write”***
***and those who can’t write, type hamfisted lowblows at easy targets for cheap laughs.
**** I’m writing this review hungover on the train back to Trenton, so I apologize if it goes to a dark place.
***** Not to be confused with Heck’s Kitchen, which is just a really shitty kitchen.
****** Which, for those keeping score at home, can buy 1/10th of black market kidney in Delhi (see Hawaiian Rumble in SC).
******* This footnote isn’t related to anything in the main paragraph. I just realized I had a lot of footnotes in this review already and I wanted to add another one. You can ignore this.
Course Score: 46; no par listed.
Pros: Cheap; convenient; popular; you can’t beat that view of the city; the only mini golf course in Manhattan.
Cons: Simplistic holes; poor upkeep; several water features nonoperational; duct tape for repairs.