Course: Boondocks Food & Fun
Location: 525 Deseret Dr, Kaysville, UT 84037
Price: $7.50 for 18 holes.
Review: Deja vu. Obviously, this is the first time I’ve visited scenic, sunny Kaysville, Utah. But it still feels like I’ve been here before. Maybe that’s because Utah is directly adjacent to my home state of Colorado. Maybe that’s because Utah’s high Mormon population reminded me of the many, eerily homogeneously white slopes of the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Or maybe that’s because, all things considered, Utah’s highest-rated mini golf course looked virtually identical to one of the courses I’ve already visited on this trip: just like zebras and horses or Mary-Kate and Ashley and Zelga Olsen*, Boondocks Food & Fun was practically indistinguishable from Colorado’s Adventure Golf, the first venue I visited on this summer-long adventure.
And, unfortunately, I suppose that’s one of the flaws of reviewing what is, in essence, a mass produced roadside distraction. There’s bound to be some overlap. But the direct parallels between the two courses were still staggering. Both courses had incredibly inexplicable themes (Boondocks’ “Inferno Island” course had, among other things, a lighthouse obstacle and a fisherman’s wharf… as if either of those would ever exist on an island made almost entirely out of fire. They’d burn down… duh!). Both courses had a polished, yet mass-produced feel (like a can of Coca-cola or the mechanical, dead-eyed smile of an actor on the Disney channel who is blissfully unaware of his own inevitable obsolescence). Both of them even used similar fire-shooting statues on their 18th hole (which is, all things considered, the second-most-important thing fire has done for mankind***).
And while, like a man who won one of Oscar Pistorious’ prosthetic limbs in a poker game, Adventure Golf had a leg up**** on Boondocks Food & Fun (Boondocks was smaller, it had fewer actual props, it had water stains from its sprinklers, and its location was a little less scenic). But that doesn’t mean that Boondocks was a bad course. It still had a vibrant garden of local flowers, moderately challenging holes, and a mostly impressive upkeep (sure, there were a few scuffs, but even Charlize Theron has a pimple now and then – nobody’s perfect). More importantly, it was right by an open stable full of horses, which I know isn’t directly related to mini golf in the slightest, but it was still appreciated. I like horses. But ultimately, at the end of the day, while Boondocks at Kaysville was nothing to write home about, it was still an enjoyable venue. Just, when compared to the many, excitingly unique courses the rest of the nation has to offer, it was (like Oscar Pistorious after that aforementioned fictional poker game) staggeringly unremarkable.*****
* The third of the Olsen triplets, Zelga never quite reached the same popularity as her sisters. However, she still achieved relative international fame after her starring role in “Dieses Haus ist Voll” (Germany’s reboot of the beloved TV series “Full House”). Man, she had the cutest catchphrases on that show.**
** Zelga’s most popular catchphrases on the show: “Vater, das ist mein Milka Bar!” (Dad, that’s my Milka bar!); “Uh oh! Dieses Haus ist zu voll!” (Uh oh! This house is too full!); and “Traurigkeit ist die Milch trinken wir , wenn wir die Milch unserer Mutter erschöpfen” (Sadness is the milk we drink when we deplete the milk of our mother).
*** Not enough people remember that it was fire, not Quasimodo, that killed Judge Claude Frollo in Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
**** That joke was worth it.
***** I kind of feel like it’s ok to make fun of Pistorious because he’s a really, really terrible person.
Course Score: 45; no par.
Pros: Relatively good upkeep; several challenging holes; beautiful flowers; adjacent to horses; good water features/props/caves; exciting pyrotechnics.
Cons: Unclear theme; several scuffs; water damage from sprinklers; very cookie cutter; close to the highway; not always terribly difficult; not as many holes as comparable courses; mostly unremarkable.